Remember when I said I was going to attempt to be more lighthearted during this OctPoWriMo? Well, that’s still true, just not today. Today I am tired and a re-post
is in order. It’s not one of my lighter pieces, but I’m feeling kinda heavy today… sometimes being honest is more important that being fun.
End Stage (After All These Years)
Attempting to breathe in every ounce of energy that flees my ailing body,
Daily I inhale life-
No longer for the desire to live, but solely on instinct.
I am supposed to live.
I am supposed to live because that’s what the brave do-
Because that’s what we tell ourselves—will ourselves to do
Despite the illness, the fatigue, the waiting…
And while I wait,
Razed emotions make futile attempts to emboss themselves upon my soul.
They leave no lasting marks-
They make no impression to stir my withering core-
Yet the body keeps on
Separate but conjoined,
Siamese twins of the psyche, unable to be parted without death of one or both.
The courageous will forge ahead,
Because that’s what they do.
Valiant, heroic—the words of survivorship
I am supposed to live.
I am supposed to live, because that’s what the courageous do.
Time has stolen the desire to live, in exchange for the compulsion to exist.
Among less seasoned survivors
I may appear fearless.
I am simply fatigued. z~
*
***I just read the comments from last time this was posted . I had forgotten how much it upset my friends…in order to avoid that, the following is a disclaimer that I posted after the original caused a bit of an upset…it still fits.
“…at the risk of castrating my own poem… I hope I didnt worry everyone … just a lousy day… Gloria Gaynor and I have a lot in common.”
The Well Tempered Bards 
Thinking of you…
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Ty 🙂 im ok just frustratingly tired.
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(I’ve gone straight to your disclaimer)
Your sense of duty and responsibility to your readers is commendable Zoe. It is in the nature of clarks to feel the responsibility of making sure “people don’t worry”. Permit me to say that is a little sad. Your words expressed what you felt that day, as it expresses what you are feeling today. My heart is with you. You shouldn’t be the one to be “lifting” another. Supposed to be the other way around:)
Let rain your feelings – no apologies, no explanations. This is a place of poetry, of “words”, the expression of heart and soul and body.
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Thanks Denise. I appreciate it.
“Permit me to say that is a little sad.” Permission granted. Stinkin’ Clarks huh?
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I remember this well from last time. I don’t LIKE it, but I LOVE the way it conveys the pain, the emotions, the fears of being chronically ill.
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Thanks Dyanne… you would know…
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I don’t want you to go.
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yeah, you cant shake me that easy so be careful what ya wish for chickie… Thanks sweetie.
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Can we get a Dyanne-style pledge of 106 outta ya? 😉
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who would EVER wanna be 106? NO WAY! SORRY….
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*small voice*
Dyanne would.
And I would, if it meant I got to be old and awesome and running around in one of those old-people-carts with flames painted on it, and sparkly tassels off the handlebars 😉
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They make those??? I need to get one.
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Rough days are rough, eh? What a blessing to have an outlet for expression. I’m looking forward to the day when you publish your poetry book!
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And looking to her left she sees another member of the peanut gallery who knows EXACTLY of what she speaks… I am so not into poetry its ridiculous… I know…irony…Maybe denial?
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What they all said ❤
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What ? just kidding… Thanks Lizzi… I was looking at comments from the last time…AFTER I posted this I hadnt remembered the response it got… It was a tough one… I wouldn’t have put it up again if I had looked first… oh well…
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That said though, (kinda like Denise said) – it’s not your responsibility to protect or lift anyone – YOU’RE the one going through this, and we should be lifting YOU 🙂 Anyway, raw poetry is good, and in terms of art provoking a strong response, this one’s stellar.
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Funny when I put on the disclaimer its far less responsibility than self preservation… It keeps the worry comments to a minimum which is where I live (as Denise said so aptly…as a Clark).
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Works both ways then.
I’m sorry you’re so tired tho, and I hope that you manage to have a somehow restful day and begin to feel some kind of re-charge *somewhere*.
Thinking of you x
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So I sat down this morning and thought, “I wonder what fun things Zoe has been writing at the Bards”…
I remember this poem well. It is a wonderful poem. I just wish it was fiction.
Hope you are feeling a bit less exhausted today.
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You know , there is more lighthearted stuff later in the stream…just put on your poetry boots and keep going…. thanks for the well wishes… I hope for the same.
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I really felt this poem. I’ve been there. And those last two lines left a punch. Thank you so much.
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sadly, so many people know exactly the content of this poem… thanks Fida!
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“I am supposed to live because that’s what the brave do-” This line punched me in the gut. But as always, you have a way with words that makes even heartbreak and exhaustion and fear and every dark emotion that plagues us seem beautiful.
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Thanks Laura.
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Zoe, to an eternity of friendship-remember, always here.
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Youre the best Michelle! Thank you.
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It’s okay to feel bad and have a lousy day. I think we all want to just let go sometimes. Hope tomorrow is better!
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me too. thanks for the read Christine.
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Without knowing the history (and honestly not looking back in your archives), I think this is an absolutely wonderful write. I can relate in that I have heard my wife speak very similarly, always having to be the strong one during a raging battle with cancer. You don’t need to feel bad for posting this, or for upsetting people. Express yourself! Let people know how you are feeling! If anything, feel bad for them because they just don’t get it. Thank you so much for sharing this poem. It ranks way up there on my all time favorite scale. Stay strong!!
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Your wife knows of what she speaks! Thanks so much for the encouraging words… I appreciate it.
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Keep writing and sharing..Much love to you. 🙂
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Thank You Payal.
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Although it may seem tragic this is very beautiful. You did an awesome job. Keep writing and being honest.
http://sellecameron.blogspot.com/2014/10/were-here-octpowrimo2014-day-21.html
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Aww thanks… Im glad it wasnt just all out depressing!
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OK, I don’t remember this one…did I know you yet? I’m thinking not because I surely would have remembered this.
Sorry it was a bad day. Sorry I’m late reading this week and didn’t know on Monday. I was preoccupied with a post-food-dye Kidzilla. Not. Pretty.
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oy… how did that happen? You guys are sooo careful! What a bummer! Sorry! ANd no maybe you didnt know me yet or maybe it was cuz it was just part of a poetry blog and we didnt have a big follow in the beginning. Who knows… thanks anyway for today!
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