Veracity

I hold back

The evidence that would betray me,

For it will bear witness to the truth

Of what’s been done.

 

And even though, perhaps,

The truth might make me stronger,

These fact-bearers would also show the cracks

And scars I carry

hidden away in darkness,

and the things I cannot say,

those agonizing thoughts,

become palpable

and then must needs be dealt with.

 

And I am not ready.

 

So I fight back the attestants,

Those warm, wet, and salty testifiers,

That would willingly tell my story

The moment they fell from my eyes.

 

*Day 4’s NaPoWroMo prompt is to write about sadness in a simple way. Well, I wrote about fighting sadness and losing that battle. And it’s not really in a simple way I suppose but then sadness is rarely simple.

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Thoughts At 4 A.M.

The dog is having a nightmare and whimpers in her sleep

while the other feels lost and alone and unloved because I am

making him sleep in his own bed instead of next to me under the top blanket

where he feels safe and secure and warm.

The cat sleeps on my feet and moves to shove her head into my face

so I’ll pet her because for whatever reason,

 

4 a.m. is the time when

I should be awake to offer them attention.

And then I remember the paperwork I forgot to fill out and turn in to the

school counselor by 8 a.m. so it’s up and to the computer and finish that

-thank heavens for email or then I’d have to stay up-

(except that it’s due by noon and I see that only AFTER I finish filling it out)

and really, I should fill out the other form but what’s the use when I won’t be

approved for the assistance anyway,

 

and besides, it’s not so much to really need help

with paying after all, if only they could wait until mid-month.

Then there’s the bills I’m behind on and how much longer I can

get away with pushing them off until the next payday.

There’s the constant worrying over how my newly graduated son

is going to be able to be on his own when he is still so immature

and needs so many more skills that he refuses to learn.

How bad a parent am I that I haven’t taught him how to survive

…except even I’m struggling so how can I think I could possibly teach him?

 

Then there’s the growing tension between Him and I,

a constant bruise that never goes away. I struggle to not

fall back into a rut and fear that’s where He wants me to be again

while He tries to force me to be what He thinks He wants me to be,

and I can’t be that, and so the tension keeps mounting and I don’t know

how much longer it can go on when He keeps jabbing and poking and pushing

 

and accusing and saying things that aren’t true.

He’s trying to get a reaction,

-because nothing else makes sense and He doesn’t understand why I can’t make Him happy-

-because it’s not me who can do that, it’s Him and he struggles with this concept-

and when He does it makes Him angry and retaliative,

and it’s all just too much.

I’m going to break.

 

Adulting sucks and I don’t know why I was in such a hurry to grow up

when all my life I saw how hard it was in the example my parents set before me.

And no one else is up,

just me

and the noises of a sleeping household:

a whirring fan, an air conditioner hum, sprinklers coming on outside,

 

the hushed breaths of those lucky enough to find sleep

a dear friend who visits every night

while I sit here typing away trying to shut the madness of worry out,

and hoping I can strain enough of these teeming concerns through

a mental sieve

and let my heavy eyelids fall

and shut out the world.

 

*I’m participating in National Poetry Writing Month this year and this is my offering for Day 3’s prompt, which is to write a story or action that takes place over time. I wrote about the thoughts that go through my head during a time when I can’t sleep. 

#OctPoWriMo Day 13-If I Were You

If I Were You

By Jesi Scott

 

If I were you

If you were me

Perhaps you’d see

Perhaps you’d be

The one I’d crave

The one to save

Save my life

Save my world

World in my heart

World torn apart

Apart from this

Apart and dismissed

Dismissed from here

Dismissed to disappear

Disappear from life

Disappear from view

View my hurt

View my pain

Pain everlasting

Pain forecasting

Forecasting to amend

Forecasting the end

End the history

End my misery

Misery of us

Misery in exodus

Exodus of the end

Exodus to begin

Begin again

Begin and feign

Feign these feelings

Feign these meanings

Meanings that lie

Meanings that cry

Cry a river

Cry and deliver

Deliver the package

Deliver the message

Message left behind

Message that’s over

Over and out

Over and without

Without a word

Without a doubt

Doubt you

Doubt me

Me in truth

Me so obvious

Obvious

Truth.

 

* Day 13: to express to someone your point of view using a Blitz poem, not my favorite form. I decided to put more thought and interest in it by making it rhyme as much as I could and to try and make it a little more challenging.