Matins

What thoughts endeavor to pierce the brain

as we keep watch in the darkling night,

the slumbering stillness

of the breath held

until the stars blink and yawn, stretch,

and fade with the lightening sky.

 

While the earth waits and shadows play games,

visions of past wrongs accuse,

demand justice: atonement or forgiveness,

and peace comes on the horizon

by light or by blood.

 

*Had a completely different poem enter my head but I was caught in the middle of something and couldn’t write it down right away. The only line that I kept was “by light or by blood”. I was thinking of a story I heard about the Crusades, how the men would keep watch in the night before battle and other similar stories. I then had a memory of someone telling me long ago that matins was a version of that (to keep evil from coming in the night) and my brain correlated that with depression. Many is the time I have battled my thoughts in the dark and with the dawn sleep came, and a small semblance of peace. But there were times when, in the darkest point of the night, that I thought I wouldn’t make it. By light or by blood; life or death.

Broken

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Tell me to keep going one more time

Because you think I can do it

Tell me everything is possible

As long as I want it bad enough

Oh, but don’t you know

 

Sometimes the pain is too much

And I’ve no more stamina

My endurance is pushed to its limits

And I can’t keep going.

 

Where are you then

Where are you then

When I’m on my knees

I’ve given in

Where are you then

Where are you then

 

Take these pills

It will get better

Keep going

You’re made of strength

 

Oh, but don’t you know

Determination only goes so far

When the demons come out to play

And don’t you know, oh, don’t you know

They know where my darkest fears reside

 

Where are you then

Where are you then

When the world attacks and my cave crashes in

Where are you then

Where are you then

When I’ve given in

 

Keep your blue stripes

Keep your rainbow ribbons

I’ve got no more stamina

Endurance pushed to the limits

It’s time to simply…

 

STOP!

 

*Not everything can be cake and ice cream days. Sometimes you’ve got to just let the storm rage and make it through. Not that it’s raging for me currently but somewhere someone’s storm is hurricaning through them. (Yes, I made that a verb.) This is what it feels like for me when I just can’t take anymore “helpful” consolation, even though I know they mean well.

Between the Lines

No Love Lost

And then there are those who get lost
Between the lines; whose lives transposed
In blood, and sacrifice of sanctity –
Of flesh –
Gouge runnels to avoid,
And yet create more, mess…

There are those whose anger bleeds
Turned inwards, for turned out t’would never cease
Or desist, and so ‘tis simpler then
To dig deep,
Watch red,
And be stilled when
It flows and pours away

And then those others whose bruised bones
Don’t shatter, bend, or break;
Whose rhythmic tones
Of thud-thud-thudding
Stay the course of action
To something worse?
To catatonia?
Distraction?

Or those whose muddled heads fill in
So quick with vengeant anguish at their sin
(Whomsoever’s the fault, they take it for their own)
And through disfigurement somehow disown
Their part, for transformed thus
By shame; by scars
Pathetic! Such a fuss
And all laid on their skin to no avail
Except now all can see how very
Very
VERY
Much
They fail.

Those white-tracked lines
Those faded, skin-sealed whispers
All combine
In permanent reminder of
This time
That time
One time
Again you cut;
You cut again!
All saw
You cut
Dumbfuck.

 

Poetry can strike at any time, and on this occasion it was a submitted post over at Sisterwives – The Last Time I Cut – which was the culprit inspiration for this piece.

Each verse I wrote has applied to me in the past (sadly not as distant past as I would prefer to admit) and the lack of compassion therein is only extended to myself. Self-harm is bad news, because it often feels like the only way forward at times, and if you do it, please find someone you trust to talk to about it. 

Please don’t leave me…

Sudden panic

And the waves of darkness come crashing in

Eroding me, undermining

Because you’re slowly disappearing

No more inhabiting

With such abandon

The world to which I’m wired

And as I see you begin to leave, I wonder

What would be required

To tempt you not to go; to make you stay

What kind of thing could I do, or write, or say

Or is it just – new challenges have you fired

All riled and raring to go

Taking your attention; performing

A far prettier show

I know

I can’t compete.

Perhaps it’s just the time of year

Or maybe what we have is now complete

And there is no more – and nothing more to say

If you feel you need to go

I’ll not beg you to stay

But wish you well, SO well

And hope that on those days when you look back

You’ll remember with fondness

Perhaps allow your mind to dwell

On all the good things that this was,

Because if you leave, you won’t see mess

You won’t see begging, crying, pleading

I’ll never out-loud confess

How deep my heart is breaking, or how scared

I am to face the world without your presence

It won’t be shared

For I’ll just sparkle you with glitter and let you carry on

I’ll shout encouragement as you leave me behind

I won’t break

I won’t break

I won’t break

Until you’re gone.

 

Hardwired Heart