If I died tonight

If I died tonight

If I died tonight
I’d be okay
I know you love me
I know I’m safe

If I died tonight
I wouldn’t cry
There’s nothing left
I need to try

And then I’d be free
Having left in peace
What more could I want?
What more can I achieve?

I’d be okay
I’d be okay
I know I’m loved
I’ve no dismay

If I should go
I’d only pray
You’d be alright
And find your way

But I’ll hope for tomorrow
Like I lived for today
I won’t yearn for the future
Or decry yesterday

Darling, we’re strong
Now we belong
So we keep on…

We’ll be okay
We’ll be okay
And trust that love
Will win the day

Don’t want to leave
Or go away
But I’d be alright
If I know you’re safe

So I’ll whisper my heart
And hope you understand
You’ll be okay
So take my hand
So take my hand
Just hold my hand

I’d be okay
You’d be okay
We’ll be okay

 

[With apologies to A Great Big World]

I was peaceful. I *felt* peaceful, for the first time in ages. I thought to myself that if I died, as long you’d be okay without me, then there was no reason to stay. I was okay, and it seemed…if not a pinnacle, at least not a disaster – a happy plateau, perhaps.

If I was gone, it would solve a lot of unknowns by rendering them moot. And if I was gone I wouldn’t be a burden any more. There seemed to be nothing left worth achieving; or, that *I* could achieve. There seemed to be no point to my future – nothing concrete I could set my boots upon and state “THIS! This is why I’m still here”…except love. Because I know that you would most definitely NOT be okay if I died tonight.

So I’m still here.

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8 comments on “If I died tonight

  1. No. I would not.

    And watch out for the weeping angels.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have no idea how much this grieves me. AT LEAST I AM TRULY ALONE. You have adv incredibly beautiful and intelligent daughter who most certainly would not be okay. The rest of her life she would not be okay. I know I write similar verse, but our lives, and our futures are immensely different. Get it out, if you must, then go hold that child with all your might.

    Like

  3. Beautiful! I just have this feeling you’ll be around spreading sparkles and visiting the US a bit longer! And making us all thankful!

    Liked by 1 person

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