Pour your acid on me

No Love Lost
I’ve never liked the thing I see
Been so trapped by the vile outside of me
Drowned in my own toxicity
Haunted by the mirror-version-me

I never have been free to like my soul
Where beauty doesn’t matter if you’re whole
Attractiveness is in the way you speak and roll
In striving for a healthy kind of goal

Cos there’s no way I can un-be
Or un-hook from the thing I see
I should value only soul-beauty
Set me free:
Pour your acid on me.

Spent so long living blinded with self-hate
Your love was just too little and too late
My views no longer open to debate
Unlovable: inadequacy’s too great

And so I take in each rejection
With open arms; confirm my own reflection
I’ve no qualms: I recognise this dejection
Why do I waste time on protection

Cos there’s no way I can un-be
Or un-hook from the thing I see
I should value only soul-beauty
Set me free:
Pour your acid on me.

Pathetic.
Wastrel, with a way with words
Dramatic:
Whining things you already heard
Pragmatic –
A cure which might seem absurd
Traumatic,
But I think that it might work

Cos there’s no way I can un-be
Or un-hook from the thing I see
I should value only soul-beauty
Set me free:
Pour your acid on me.

Advertisements

12 comments on “Pour your acid on me

  1. I just finished reading Vol. 3 of The Sandman by Neil Gaiman, and this reminds me of one of the stories in it. Wow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I feel like perhaps I should read more Neil Gaiman, but I wonder if it would help or make things worse. This was my morning. It was unpleasant.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I could make it better.
        As for Gaiman, read Stardust, Good Omens, Neverwhere, and The Ocean at the End of the Lane to start. They are lighter than some of his other works. I would not suggest The Sandman (a graphic novel series) as it is very dark. I’m also reading Trigger Warning which is his 3rd short story collection and is fabulous so far.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome. Though I wish for you you could’ve skipped this inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this and I hate it. I love it for the artistry and for the fact that it’s highly relatable and it’s hauntingly beautiful. But I hate it too, for reasons I don’t have to tell you. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I know. But thanks for seeing the beauty in it. I often think that with the worst feelings, rendering them beautiful through poetry can somehow redeem them a tiny bit…

      Like

  4. Scott says:

    When you devalue you
    You devalue me
    You discredit my view
    And the beauty I see

    When I laud you
    You claim I’m mistaken
    It invalidates me
    My views forsaken

    Accept this, please
    You’re worth so much more
    Than a reflection
    Which you abhor

    Maybe in mirrors
    You dislike what you see
    But I can assure you
    You’re beautiful to me

    What matters is heart
    (Of that you have plenty)
    And the people who love you
    (Believe me, we’re many)

    You make a difference
    It’s quite plain to see
    Your soul radiates
    Positivity

    I urge you to look past
    What’s only skin deep
    Your bitter self-loathing
    Makes me want to weep

    Think upon this
    I urge you, dear friend
    There’s a legion who loves you
    Til the bitter end

    So if it’s alright with you
    My acid won’t be poured
    On a beacon of light
    So rightly adored

    My acid I’ll save
    For those who cling
    To discord and hatred
    And other such things

    Lizzi,

    I know you struggle with what the mirror shows you. We’ve discussed this before and you already know my opinion on that. Putting aside our difference of opinion there, there is so much more to you than a simple reflection and I SO wish you could see that. I could count all the ways, but I’m sure you’d argue with me. So I’ll simply say this: I disagree. You matter. To me and to a HORDE of others. You’ve affected us in a positive manner and that’s why we care. You are sunshine. You are a rainbow after the storm. You the sunrise of a new dawn. You are a ray of light in the darkness. Nothing you say can sway me to think otherwise.

    PS. Apologies in advance for the rant. I just hate that you think so poorly of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Scott, I’m almost in tears. You do this, and I know you and I disagree so much on this point but it’s like I’ve been blinded by hatred and undermining and I can’t see what others seem to. All I can hear is those poisonous voices and all I can feel is as though I’m the cause of every action which rejected me or humiliated me or showed me in a million ways I was not good enough. Not attractive enough. Not worthy of wanting.

      I think it’s because those rejections came from (well, MANY, but also) the two men who ideally would have been my sources of esteem and should have built me up – fathers and husbands are in such a place of power, and both abused it in the most horrible ways, and I am left convinced of my own repugnance.

      The words of (and I don’t mean this in a derogatory way to YOU, but to just pass comment on those who aren’t in my everyday life) those who are beyond the everyday, are beautiful and lovely, but also insubstantial because they are just lovely words. I had this with my aunty, growing up – she would swoop in for a visit and be SUPER SUPER POSITIVE about me, and it was so infrequent and SO much, and at such odds with the message I received loud and clear the rest of the time, that even though I believed SHE believed it, those nice things never belonged to me.

      I’m getting better. I now believe I CAN be a nice person. And I’m beginning to trust that people DO want me around. That’s huge for me.

      I do not believe I am desirable or wantable, or very worthwhile. Maybe I’ll work on it, or maybe I’ll just side-step the whole thing and remain single forever, so as not to inflict my self and my views (and my body (ick)) on someone else. Because I hate it so much I cannot, CANNOT see that anyone else would think differently.

      I know it’s not logic. It’s indoctrination. It’s brainwashing. And it’s been highly effective.

      But I love your rant and your poem and your shinybright soul and how much you care. THANK YOU for you, your words, your friendship, and your constant support. You matter to me HUGE, my BTFFFL πŸ™‚

      Like

Well?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s