Unshakeable fear

What is it that you fear

I

am

quick

to love

but s-l-o-w

to trust.

I

don’t

do so well

with friends; I

don’t adjust

I

hear

them say

nice things

I just can’t

believe

I

watch

for signs

’cause I always

think they’ll

leave.

I

worry

that behind

my back they

laugh at

me.

If

only

logic would

prevail against

this foolish

anxiety.

I

feel

I have

so little to

offer them,

and so

in

being

such an

inadequate

friend,

they’ll

go.

I

know

my fears

get knocked:

I’m told it’s

not real

but

I

have

seen things

which seem to

validate my

lack of

trust.

 

00OctPoWriMo

This one was surprisingly hard to write.

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42 comments on “Unshakeable fear

  1. zoe says:

    Sigh. Great composition… lousy ass , suck wad feeling to have…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Rod E. Kok says:

    Such sadness in this piece…it is a feeling that I can totally relate to. Thank you for sharing this. It really is a beautiful poem. *added to favorites*

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thank you. It’s one I struggle with, really more often than is necessary, and I KNOW that my friends reassure me a lot (probably to the point of where they’re sick of me worrying) and yet…it is what it is – anxiety rarely heeds logic or evidence to the contrary, and still I get tangled and I worry and worry that I’m going to be back in that lonely, isolated place I spent so much time as a child.

      ACK.

      Sorry you relate to this 😦

      Like

  3. Yeah, well…I’m that annoying itch that won’t go away. 😉

    Definitely identify with this, though. I worry about it all the time actually.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Good. I do hope so! Cos I have to say, I’ve become rather fond of your presence here…I think I’d miss you after OctPo if you disappear…but I’ll have to get you over to my regular site, cos this one tends to fade into the background a bit.

      It’s a struggle though, this feeling. Very complex and tricky.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have no intention of disappearing. LOL
        Send me the link and I’ll bookmark it immediately. And you had better not disappear either. Especially since I have been coerced, I mean begged, to join Nano and, so, I signed up. I will be writing on my story The Witch Queen of Celmarra. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it!

        Liked by 1 person

        • lrconsiderer says:

          summat2thinkon.wordpress.com is where I more normally hang out. And believe me, I won’t disappear either. Though I’m not doing nano – I know my limits and they end FAR before NaNo happens 🙂 BUT definitely good luck to you with yours 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m constantly afraid of finding out “what people REALLY think of me” because I assume they’re talking shit behind my back. Insecurity is… well, it’s the worst. If it makes you feel better, I’m constantly bragging about what an amazing friend you are, and how I wish I had a 10th of your enthusiasm. That’s the shit I talk about you behind your back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Insecurity absolutely 100,000,000% sucks. It cripples and undermines and isolates us and makes us panic when I guess there’s probably no need. But thank you SO much for your friendship and for telling me that you brag about me…that’s…baffling and humbling and incredible and awesome 🙂 You made me very *twinklyhappyglowy* 🙂

      I think perhaps I need to worry less. WE need to worry less, and remember that old adage when we end up in one of these moods – the people who matter don’t mind, and the people who mind, don’t matter 🙂

      Like

  5. dianadomino says:

    I know exactly what you’re talking about. I was raised in such a dysfunctional way, I learned to interpret “danger signs,” and being able to do that helped me survive childhood. However, as an adult, I was always watching EVERYONE for those same signs, waiting for the leaving to begin, or for the anger, or for things to fall apart, trying to “fix” things before they got to that point. Lucky for me, I am a reader and I read some really good books about how to normalize my life, my emotions. And a bit of therapy helped. Now, I don’t react as much to such things, but I can spot a “dangerous” personality a mile away. ^_^ Anyway, I know this comment is long, but it’s just to say that there’s nothing wrong with you, that you must have learned to react the way you do for good reason. It has helped you survive, and that’s a good thing. But when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail, so sometimes it’s good to expand the toolbox. ^_^

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Diana, thank you so much for that comment. I don’t mind that it’s long, because it makes such glorious sense…ACK! Not nice sense though. I’m sorry you’ve been through a similar experience which has left you with such heightened senses for this. It’s immensely difficult to switch off and remember that I’m not living in that danger-zone any more, and sometimes those feelings creep back and contaminate what’s going on in the here and now.

      That bit about the hammer – BRILLIANT. Thank you. I’ll try to remember that. And to develop some new tools. I need to trust more, too, I think, but that seems to be slow in coming.

      As for spotting dangerous personalities…nope. Not there yet. I sometimes get an inkling but equally I can get taken by surprise. I guess sometimes I also hope against hope that the people I think are ‘dangerous’ aren’t, because I so, so want them not to be.

      Liked by 1 person

      • dianadomino says:

        I think the first thing is to learn to trust yourself. Be proud that your senses help preserve you and got you to where you are. The best books I read on the subject were by Melody Beattie and they are about codependence. To be honest, I could not make heads or tails of them until I started by just trying to follow the “rules” she lays out. Viewing people through the crazed glass of my life experience made everything look strange. Gradually, though, I began to see through a different, clearer glass. Another author was Dr. Wayne Dyer. His first book, “Your Erroneous Zones” totally changed my life. My very good friend is dyslexic, and she had better luck with these books in audio, but I just borrowed them from the library again and again. I wrote sticky notes to myself to remind myself of things I needed to remember. I copied poems that I read twice a day until they made sense.

        And I’m not saying I am trying to “diagnose” you or any such silly thing, I’m just telling you part of my journey. My life is SO much better than it was. ❤ But it took a long time and learning to see through clearer glass to learn to trust again. And like I said, learning to trust oneself is really the essential first.

        You can do it! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • lrconsiderer says:

          I’m glad things are better for you – that’s brilliant, and as to trusting myself…adunno – I feel like half the point is that I *can’t* trust my own judgement because it’s faulty at the moment. So I can definitely see the value in trying to re-frame that judgement somehow, or re-shape the methods or parameters I use to judge.

          Today might not be the best day to try though – I fancy a person would need to be more awake than I am now to manage it.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Sarah says:

    Even if it was hard, I think you conveyed the idea beautifully and truly. I get this. I do get it. It is my life, has been my life for lo, these 38 years. I don’t like to write about my insecurities because the I feel more insecure, provide more opportunities for ridicule. How bout this? Promises are sacred for me. I do not break them. I promise I will not ridicule you behind your back. Every gesture of friendship and admiration is offered with true sincerely. When you think you see signs, let me know. Try to believe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I’ve never seen signs from you, as it happens. And thank you – I truly, truly appreciate your promise. I wish I could tell you that they’re sacred to me too, but apparently I break them sometimes, so in practice I’m less good than I wish I was with them, however I can offer you the same spirit, and tell you that I won’t do this thing to you, either.

      It’s interesting that you don’t write about your insecurities. I guess in a way I’ve learned to use mine as a bit of a weapon or proving ground – if I brandish them and people fall away, then I know that my failings or weaknesses when out in the open have been too much for them, so I am better off without them. Adunno. That works for some things but not others, perhaps. But I know that I’ve done that with various things to establish whether or not those around me are people I want in my life or not.

      Thanks for liking the poem though, and I’m so sad that you understand it so well 😦 *hugs*

      Like

  7. Perfection. I’ve been reading some really great poems for today’s prompt and this is definitely one of the top ones hands down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Wow! Thank you so much 🙂 I’m glad you liked it. It was a tough one – I kind of felt like we were meant to write about spiders or ghosts or things which go bump in the night, but I’m less afraid of those things than I am of this.

      Like

  8. jazzytower says:

    This is probably way, way easier said than done..but sometimes one slow deep breath and taking that “I don’t give a damn” attitude out for a spin works wonders. Been there, did that, am over it:)- Nice work.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sandy Ramsey says:

    This makes me sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Don’t be *too* sad – I know as much as anything that it’s a lot (probably mostly) to do with my own insecurities working to undermine me. And I don’t ever see signs from you. Nor do I believe I will. In case it hasn’t been clear, I feel (amazed, sometimes baffled, awestruck and often incredulous, but also) safe with you. So there’s that. Which is ten kinds of wonderful 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Pattie says:

    I have some of these same feelings. Ninety-nine percent of the time they are just that, feelings. It is the one percent that wreck us. WE need to get past the onepercent

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Yes – unfortunately I’m not so good at keeping track of where the feelings end and the reality lies, and quite often I’m far better at seeing things which aren’t there, and panicking about them, than seeing what IS there and having confidence in it. I guess that’s why they call them ‘hang ups’ – cos I get hooked in SO often to the stupid shit my brain whispers…

      Like

  11. Michelle says:

    I know you didn’t write this about me, but I’m going to claim it anyway..you could have plucked these words out of my head. Well..only they wouldn’t have been so eloquent and there would have been profanity. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      It seems I wrote it about a LOT more people than I thought I did…these insecurities suck, but in a way I guess they let us understand one another a lot more, and feel…if not more secure, then just more solidarity – as though we are amongst others who KNOW, and therefore might be more careful of ensuring they don’t do unto others as they would not have done unto themselves. If that makes sense.

      I think your version would be a funnier read…

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Linda Roy says:

    Ah, I can relate. So well put.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Scott says:

    My dear BBFFFL, you know my thoughts on this, so I won’t rehash them here. I’ll simply say, you are amazing and that none of us a perfect. Keep on being you, as YOU are the person whom I befriended.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think we have all met people like this. People we wish we hadn’t have trusted who betrayed our trust.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This is a terrible way to feel, and I understand where you’re coming from. I take a very long time to get comfortable around people. I’ve been known to be nearly fanatical about keeping even the smallest details my life private out of fear that someone I trust will use it to hurt me. Some people don’t like that, but I think the people that matter will be patient and persistent.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I’m the other way – I’d rather over-share and push the boundaries, with details which don’t matter. But there are things which I think I won’t share. I also struggle with showing that I care – I love quickly but I don’t say it quickly, nor lightly, and the slow, slow trust has to be earned and tested before I’ll really start to open up, I think. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I feel as though I can come across as quite an ‘arms length’ kind of person at times.

      That said, I’m always friendly and enjoy making friends…but those inner portions of the heart are fiercely protected, and those are the ones which cause me worry.

      I’m sorry you know this, too. You’re right though – the people who matter will be persistent 🙂

      Like

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