Dear Beans

Dark Pit Infertility

Dear Beans

I thought of you

Today, cos

Internationally

I may – for

Pregnancy and

Infant loss;

Awareness raised

With grief at

Life’s great cost.

Or is it death

Which still

Exacts its dues?

In losing you

I had no chance

To choose, but

lost again, though

Now I can think

That somewhere

In the aether

You have a brother

Each – To care

Whilst I can care

For neither.

Yet my dears

I care so much

And thrilled to

Hope one day

I’d feel your touch

Yet life or fate or

Destiny deemed

Somehow through

Lack of worth, or

Arbitrarily

That we would

Just have time to

Feel a tiny bit

Elated

Before you were

Cut off:

Your lives

(And ours)

Truncated.

 

 

For J&S

Always (but never quite) mine

And really real.

I love you ❤

 

00OctPoWriMo

 

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50 comments on “Dear Beans

  1. zoebyrd says:

    sigh, sniff… :[ thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sourgirlohio says:

    Oh, my dear, sending hugs to you. I don’t claim to know your pain, but I surely feel it through your poem.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thanks. Days like this are good, because of the awareness raised and blah blah, but it’s another reason to remember all the ‘could have beens’ and just ache. I’m not gone on the day.

      Like

  3. Michelle says:

    Lizzi…I would hug you right now if I could. So sorry for your loss..

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thanks. I never thought I’d get to the stage where they were so background until brought forcibly into the fore. I can’t decide how I feel about that.

      Like

      • Michelle says:

        Sweetheart, if it’s less painful and you feel peace then go with it…it’s not letting go, it’s accepting and living your life…which is a wonderful thing..your life. I’ve enjoyed so much ‘meeting’ you.

        Liked by 2 people

        • lrconsiderer says:

          I never feel peace. I am plagued by this – that these two were most likely the only chance I will ever have had at motherhood. I reject it on every level and hate it. But without them, I wouldn’t be who I am rightnow, and that’s something. I live, I lose, I learn…I continue. And that’s all there is, really.

          I’m glad to have ‘met’ you, too, though. And thank you for the encouragement.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. marysza says:

    So simple in its expression and all the more poignant because of that. No melodrama in your words, just a quiet, numbing grief. Thank you. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I don’t have the energy for melodrama any more. I just feel empty. Sad. Quite literally hollowed out and barren about it all. 😦 Those things don’t change with time. They just become less intense.

      Like

  5. Rod E. Kok says:

    What a heart-wrenching piece. Memories of my own deceased son flooded me (it would have been his birthday (15!!) yesterday). Thank you so much for sharing! Be strong!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Fida says:

    Aww… hugs!! I really love this line: I care so much
    And thrilled to
    Hope one day
    I’d feel your touch.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. dianadomino says:

    Weepy. ❤ Beautiful. ❤ Thanks.

    Like

  8. I’m so, so sorry. I’m here if/when you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, my goodness! I am just…I do not know what you went through and my heart aches with this poem. My mom miscarried before I was born and I’ve always wondered how she felt, and what my life would have been like if that baby had been born. I think this would echo her own heart back then. Beautiful, Lizzie!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. marisab04 says:

    Sending hugs beautiful words

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Lisa @ The Meaning of Me says:

    HUGS. ‘Cause what else is there…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thorougly gutted after reading this. So well done. So sorry for your losses. ❤

    Like

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Ack. Sorry to you too, and for yours 😦 It’s a bittersweet kind of day, this one, isn’t it. ❤

      Like

      • Reading so many people’s thoughts and seeing so many wave of light photos is so haunting and comforting at the same time. All these little loves lost. All of this love going on forever.

        I’ve read your poem several times today. I do love it so much. The last three lines is exactly everything. But then again there are so many lines here are everything. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • lrconsiderer says:

          Thank you. I’ve shied right away from it, because I’ve still found it so hard to engage and remember and be *properly* part of it…It’s a bit much. I’ll get there, but…this was about my limit this year.

          It’s gutting. But I’m glad you like this poem so much. Thank you x

          Like

  13. froginparis says:

    That was… lovely and…

    Man! I got something in my eye.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Sarah says:

    Lifts glass to your love for j and s. And lots o hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. A heartbreakingly beautiful tribute to your tiny angel souls. Lack of worth, dear Lizzi? Never! It just was not their time to come. Wrapping you in loving thoughts always, the hurt in a mother’s heart truly never goes away, it speaks to the depth of your love. They know how much you love them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Perhaps you’re right, but the brain tells ya what it tells ya. Timing, coincidence and sheer bad luck all wrap up to sound On Purpose – because it can’t be the case that just the good things are On Purpose, and the bad things are incidental. Either it’s all under control and ‘allowable’, or it’s not.

      Like

  16. Dear Fellow Member of the non exclusive club of bereft parents, It’s been 5 years this month since I lost my first daughter and it is only now that writing about it openly has been possible. I understand your pain and, while it will never completely dissipate, we learn to absorb it and use it for better purposes, whether art, charity, or a new career. You did just that with this poem, put your pain to create art.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      True. I would have had a much worse time of this a year ago. Well…I *did* have a much worse time of this a year ago.

      It sucks. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad that you’re finding the writing helps. I guess it’s an outlet if nothing else, and it raises awareness and promotes solidarity, which is something I’m always keen to engender. Thank you.

      Like

  17. serins says:

    ((HUGS)) . I’m here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. jny_jeanpretty says:

    I lost a bean, and a son. I am not the same person now. These experiences are separate from any others I know. It does help to share, at times, although it rips the scab right off, once again.
    love, jean

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Hey JNY – you’re right. These things change us fundamentally and alter the way we see the world forever. And yet there are so many of us – the invisible moms – all seeing the world through a ‘could have been’ perspective. HUGE hugs to you, my friend. I need to write into this tonight because it’s been on my mind for a while, and I think it’s time for an update.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. […] year ago today I shared my poem ‘Dear Beans‘, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, with my heart full-on breaking with grief and […]

    Liked by 1 person

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