This morning a friend drove me to work.
He was tired.
He asked, “How do you do it? I just can’t keep pushing through.”
I haven’t been not tired in twenty years.
“Y’know what helps? Choice… having no choice helps a lot.”
There is no extra.
I have enough to keep going.
My office at work:
I eat a handful of raisins and walnuts.
I ate yesterday too.
I lock the office door, set the alarm on my phone, roll out the yoga mat I keep in the corner.
41 minutes from now, I will emerge from my refuge and step into the morning.
For now, I lie on my stomach and wait for the nausea to pass.
I’m not grateful for survival.
I’m grateful for no choice.
I’m grateful for enough to keep going.
I wouldn’t know how to tolerate full stop.