I was a stubborn child

DaylightEyes

Was it the added stress
Of having someone there?
Or having to wait whilst
Mum and sis popped out?
Or me, responding to
Whatever goading vibe was given off?
The three of us were stuck
In a car with nothing to do
The devil on my shoulder
Convinced me to mess around with you
I know I took your hat
It had you riled
I wouldn’t give it back
I was a stubborn child.
You asked, but I was having fun
You demanded, but the game was young
You began to threaten; your eyes got wild
I wouldn’t give it back
I was a stubborn child.
You turned, your face a mask of blazing hate
In confined space your whole self did inflate
Words no longer enough – too late, too late
I wouldn’t give it back
I was a stubborn child
Suddenly your hand lashed out
Grabbing – not sure what for
Landed, tangled in my necklace
Which I, in pre-teen vanity had worn
To try to make my sense of self
Not seem so battered and torn
Surely, to an outsider
A kid in a necklace must be the norm
But this new use
This vile new gist
You wound your fingers in – began to twist
Surprised, horrified
I held the hat away
Our friend sat frozen in the front seat
Didn’t know what to say
An ugly look seized you as you smiled
I would not give it back
I was a stubborn child
And so in stale mate
Your gargantuan will ‘gainst mine
Yet with my throat closing over
There wasn’t time
I couldn’t make my point
As the cords bit into my skin
I had to take a breath
I had to let you win
Daddy, couldn’t you see the tears
As your daughter choked for breath?
Couldn’t you see my fears
You hated me so much you’d bring me death?
Daddy, why did you take such pleasure
In showing me I was reviled?
I had to give it back
I was a broken child.

 

ferallittlesecret.wordpress.com

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24 comments on “I was a stubborn child

  1. LauraALord says:

    Shit that made me cry. Beautiful and haunting.

    Like

  2. hastywords says:

    This is so hard to read…I wanted my dragon to come defend you.

    Like

  3. zoebyrd says:

    I got nuthin for so much of what youve written here lately….its not that its not incredible stuff, its all just left me speechless….this one more than any….wow…just …so well done lizzi….

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thank you, my friend. This one was a tough one, and it left me really shaken up, but my Dad visited yesterday and I guess a lot of stuff got stirred up, more than I thought. I suddenly started remembering this, and needed to get it out.

      Like

  4. msenecal68 says:

    Wow! Jus incredible as usual!! When I read the title I thought one thing but as I read I realized I had no clue!!

    Like

  5. Ranting Crow says:

    Stubborn enough to be broken
    not broken enough I did heal
    healed i am now living a stubborn life

    Thought that is a short version 😉 of mine

    So smile I surely loved the stubborn child and she is still there somewhere

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thank you Crow – yes – I am still stubborn, often past the point of trying people’s patience. But I am a little more sensitive now, and learn when I need to stop pushing my luck. However, this wasn’t a good way to learn.

      I’m glad your short version ends positively.

      Like

  6. Samara says:

    I won’t put “like” on this. I wish I could put “abhor” on this.
    Not for the poem, for what it contains.

    Now that I have a child, I look at his body, so much smaller than mine, and wonder how could she have done it? It’s a bully thing to do, to abuse someone weaker than you.

    You really are amazing, given everything you’ve overcome. And we’ve found each other, which I think was always supposed to happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      He was a bully. And Depression gave him the excuse and the lack of care to be able to go right ahead and indulge. And he has no idea, I don’t think. None.

      Thank you. I often don’t feel amazing, but I guess in the way that the everyday survivors are, perhaps I am akin. And yes. Finding each other was very much Life being On Purpose. And for that I am HUGELY thankful.

      Like

  7. Christine says:

    Wow. One of your best poems, for sure.

    Like

    • lrconsiderer says:

      Thanks 🙂 I’m trying to make sure that all of my images are original and mine, and so sometimes I end up with one which doesn’t *quite* fit the piece, but at a stretch, will suffice.

      Like

  8. Oh Lizzi. I could picture this scene so daringly tragic. As you pushed and he ignited his rage. Oh Lizzi. A piece of your history that must still haunt you and shake you to your core. This reminds me of my childhood pain with my dad. Nothing like yours- but eerily desperate for love and attention. I wrote a very intense song about him once after visiting my dad at his house shortly after he left my mom. I remember some lyrics…

    Where did daddy’s little girl go?
    Why do the snowflakes fall so hard?
    Come…
    Come out in the bitter snow…
    Where did daddy go?

    Who’s that man standing there?
    What is he thinking?
    Does he care?

    He gives me this odd stare.

    As if I wasn’t there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lrconsiderer says:

      That’s heartbreaking, Chris. A beautiful song, and thank you for sharing it with me, but absolutely wrenching. I don’t have the words, my love. I think ambiguity and a lack of feeling at all, when you crave it, must almost be harder to deal with than the anger, bullying and constant undermining. I dunno.

      I’m just glad that you’re using all your heart and soul and strength to make sure that Cass and Cade have absolutely the BEST parents ever, and that they both KNOW you love them to pieces.

      Like

  9. Marlene says:

    I can also picture the scene, Lizzi. Bullying is exactly the right word to describe a situation like this one. I’m sorry you had to live through these sort of happenings. Your poem makes me think how having a dad who ignores me and only shows up a couple of times a year isn’t bad. From one broken child to another, massive hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. […] So today let’s give props to one of our winners, Lizzi from The Well Tempered Bards! […]

    Liked by 1 person

  11. zoebyrd says:

    congrats on the win, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

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